The other comical part is that I'm pregnant. I know, such an amazingly wonderful thing, tinged forever by the terror of it all.
I have never in my life felt so helpless and low. This doesn't happen to us, does it? This doesn't happen to people who follow the rules and do what you're supposed to do. Man, I am naive. Everyday I learn how many ways you can get screwed if you dream big. Just dream for a good day and leave it at that. You'll reach that goal most of the time if you dream that small. Sounds jaded and sad, I know, but there is no other truth in my head right now. I have been blessed with great friends and family who love me enough to try to bring me light during the darkness. I have received testimonies from some of the most unlikely sources and I envy their conviction and truth. I just can't feel it. I know I might if I actually sought it, but the heaviness of it all is exhausting. Plus, I'm too busy shoving every spare minute of my day into a smut book that I don't have to think too much about. I should stop, but I've already let it take me.
In my life I've found it more helpful to say what I mean through music. I feel like Bumblebee, but it's the only way I really feel I can communicate without giving too much of myself. And yet so much. The Avett Brothers have been the first band since I can remember (which isn't saying too much considering my lacking memory) that make me feel that someone knows how I feel. Their words are exactly how I feel. You don't have to watch the video as its just this black screen all the way through, the lyrics are below it. Oh, and its just the name of the song, please don't look further than that..
Die Die Die
She’s fighting with the sky
She thinks she can
Living within a lie
She thinks she can
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
She puts her hands against
The life she had
Living with ignorance
Blissful and sad
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
You can try to swim the sea
But say goodbye to you and me
You can try to swim the sea
You can try to hold the breeze
You can try to hide the sun
But say goodbye to everyone
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
She thinks she can
Living within a lie
She thinks she can
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
She puts her hands against
The life she had
Living with ignorance
Blissful and sad
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
You can try to swim the sea
But say goodbye to you and me
You can try to swim the sea
You can try to hold the breeze
You can try to hide the sun
But say goodbye to everyone
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
And you can try to swim the sea
You can try to hold the breeze
You can try until skin and bones
But you will try all alone.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
You can try to hold the breeze
You can try until skin and bones
But you will try all alone.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Die, die, die
------------------
I feel that just recently I made the same reflection about a book I read and how I constantly feel as though I'm searching for myself in someone else's words. This is probably not good for my overall health... But must I stop? Their words are so much prettier than mine.
