Raw Nerves

I have a friend who is experiencing what I like to call "raw nerves" right now.  Raw nerves are when you're experiencing a high volume of emotions and you cannot contain it.  Everywhere you go you're splattering your nerves in every direction and for everyone to see, whether you like it or not.  It reminded me that there was an excruciatingly long time when I was experiencing "raw nerves", say all of my life.  Which led to the overwhelmingly positive realization that I'm not any longer!  For so long, I was that overly dramatic person that complained about life and resisted the urge to do something about it, which only made me even more unenjoyable.  My raw nerves were everywhere, I was such a mess! My sisters and Ms. Grace can certainly attest to that.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not still experiencing my share of setbacks or stress; and a person would not be wrong to point out that this blog is a way for me to complain about life and put my raw nerves out there.  The truth is, however, that I cannot stand the idea of putting my personal feelings out there in a blog for people to read.  The only reason I began it was because Ms. Grace thought it would be a way for people to respond to me and relate.  The whole idea causes an anxiety rush to me.  And that, my friends, is the exact opposite of the Rachael I was known for.  I'm not sure when the metamorphosis occurred, but I am exceptionally grateful for it.  What a blissful realization.

We find out later this morning what the final decision is on The Mr. and his company.  Although, it would just be infinitely easier to stay with a job rather than search for one, we know that end the end we'll be wherever we are supposed to be.

"You are not lost.  You are here."

Oh Stella, How You Move Me

I nearly cried looking at this collection.  I have been waiting for it to open for one month.  Just to look at it! 

I can't wait for the day I can purchase the entire line in one sitting.  That's right, I said "wait" - one day we'll move past this poor phase and be an embarrassment of riches.  Ha!  Seriously though, anyone like my kid enough to peruse this line for me??  Auntie Ashley??  Kidding. 

Truth is, this is exactly why I was so excited for a little girl.  For exactly these clothes...

Moving Along...

Today is a mid-point in our extension so I thought I would check in.  We have two weeks left in our extension and we are still only 65% to our target.  We are exactly in the same place emotionally.  Our chests are tight, our stomachs are hallow, and our minds are racing.  Not a great way to spend an extended period of time, I'd say.

We had a great time Trick or Treating with Rosslyn and friends for Halloween (or really pre-Halloween).  She was a Pig in a Blanket and she was great!  She kept saying "Weeel, I'll puff and puff and bloow house DOWN!"  She was quite confused as to which character she was playing, I think.

We have one week until payday and we're back where we were last month at this time.  On a combined one roll of toilet paper and low on almost everything.  Being strained seems to be less stressful, but is that really good?  Getting used to being so stressed out is not something I believe to be healthy. 

Here's a shot of the happiest part of life right now:

This is The Reason

This gorgeous image landed in my email today from it's maker asking me to purchase.  How do you refuse such beauty and perfection??   It's $425 and light years away from my ownership at this point.

But this is why we do this.  This is why The Mr and I have struggled for years to get through school and find the perfect job.  The job he has is the job we have struggled so hard for and now he might lose it!

But if he keeps it...  this bag is mine.  All of our dreams will finally come true. 

No pressure, hun.

The Decision

Hopefully I didn't keep anyone in suspense, I realize it's Friday and we found out about The Mr's job on Tuesday, but there was an adjustment period needed.

Apparently he neither keeps his job nor loses it....yet.  He has a new goal that he has to meet and he gets four weeks to not only meet his first goal but to meet an even higher one.  So the wait continues...

We have until November 12th to make this happen.  My anxiety has reached brand new heights.

What's With Today, Today?

The team in St. Louis will be meeting this morning to discuss The Mr's future with the company (in there right now parrying with our livelihood, the little...).  We should know something by lunchtime with any luck. 

For some reason we have felt better about it over the weekend.  We thought we would know by Friday and instead they pushed it back to today.  At first I thought I was going to choke on my frustration it was so palpable, but it was as though we both just decided to not think about it and it will be what it is.  It also helps that we both inexplicably believe that he won't lose his job.  Let's just hope we're right.  If not, I might not respond for a few days until we figure it all out.

This print makes me feel better.

Waiting With Bated Breath...

So obviously it is post October 1st - we did make it.  We now have toilet paper and diapers and we even went on a mini-vacation to Alabama for a family wedding (though, luckily, we didn't pay for that - Thanks to The Mr's parents and Uncle B and Auntie M).

We have made it through the most difficult month according to our Budget calendar, but the end is still not in sight.  One piece of information that I did not mention when beginning this budget challenge was the reason for the tight budget.  We would not have moved ourselves here for the promise of an income so meager.  We were under the impression that The Mr's job would be paying more.  Financial Advisor's work on commission and to this point, he has made very little commission.  He has been in sales since he began working as a small boy mowing lawns.  He has never had any problems, until now.  It just has not been the lucrative snowball we were promised from his company.  So what he is paid is his monthly salary, which is supposed to supplement commission to be a very nice income...if you had the commission. 

Next comes the reason for the extra despair you might have picked up on in my last post.  The Mr. was given 17 weeks to reach his sales goal.  He has not gotten even close.  If he does not reach his goal, he will be let go.  Add that to an already freakishly low situation and you've got yourself a pretty bad time.  He has more than enough in clients, he is just having a difficult time getting them to sign off and get the money transferred.  They, of course, are not on the same time line as we are.  He's having a hard time trying to instill a sense of urgency in them.  And imagine trying to meet all of these clients and get things done without toilet paper at home.  I don't know how he does it, but I have been very proud of him.  He has not given up.  He has since made a very nice sale, but is still not close enough to his goal.  The goal must be reached by tomorrow, October 15th.  We haven't breathed in over a month, but either way it will be over tomorrow.  We're not sure yet what we would do if he is let go, but you know me, we'll just find the next adventure.

The Real Deal

So I've been stuck in a dilemma the last couple of days wondering exactly how far I go in telling you (anyone who is actually reading) the struggles of my family.  I am a very private person, so beginning and continuing this blog has been difficult for me.  I try to be as comical as possible in speaking of our struggles to make it easier to take for both you and me.  I just don't believe anyone needs or wants to listen to me whine.  The line between, however, is hard to find.  I want to finish what I start and I started this budget challenge so I suppose I must continue it even though there are times where I feel I am getting way too personal.  Such as now.

Last Thursday The Mr. had a breakfast meeting with a client.  I believed it to be a meeting over coffee, but apparently the client had breakfast, which is something The Mr. should cover.  It was $28.

Now for any of you that have actually been following and subtracting along with me, you will know that we had $21 left in our account to spend on anything other than bills.  That means that we have gone over by $8.  We have five days left until October 1st, payday.  If all of our bills go through as planned, we will go into the red in our account and be charged $35 for it.  Awesome. 

The best part: Our home supplies have become quite meager.  We have run out of a few things: alcohol, butter, eggs, paper towels, toilet paper, and diapers.  Now usually the alcohol would not be a problem, but because of the rest, the alcohol is greatly desired.  The eggs, butter, and paper towels can be lived without as well.  The last two items, however, have caused quite a bit of anxiety for us.  I mean, how do you continue to remain calm and confident as you go through your days with others when you have no toilet paper at home??  That's an issue for civilized people, we need toilet paper.  The Mini Me has been forced to potty train at an accelerated level because we don't have any diapers for her to wear.  Which means that during nap and nighttime she is left wrapped in two cloth diapers and a swim diaper to prevent leakage.  It has caused complete breakdown in our home, mentally and emotionally.  We can't help but be broken and it can't help but be noticed by the Mini Me which has caused extra tantrums and fighting between all of us.  This is breaking us.

I know, I know, this too shall pass, but I'm a bit tired of how far we have to go before it passes already.

Groceries

I definitely lucked out this grocery trip, coming in just over $86.  That's definitely not a number we're used to.  It wasn't a full trip, though, as we were loaded up still on meat.  It keeps us coming in under the radar with an extra of $35. 

...Then we used $14 for ice cream.  Dangit!  It's so hard!

...and my bike was stolen.  Seriously, people.  We couldn't just be gratified with the stress and pressure we were currently facing, we needed to go ahead and give our belongings away, too.  That's how we roll.

So we're hoping that the $21 we have left in our account will not go to our heads...

Exciting News!

About two months ago I purchased some clothes for Rosslyn on Zulily.com.  As of yesterday, I still hadn't received the purchase.  It apparently went to various locations around the Southeast and finally landed at apartment #125 rather than #195.  No one can locate the package at this point, so Zulily gave me a refund.  Which mean I have an extra $84 in my account. Wahoooooo!  With the downs, come the ups, my friends.  I'm a teensy bit bummed that I never got the clothes that I purchased, they were SO cute, but even more stoked that I now have $121 to spend on groceries or household items for the next two weeks!  I'll still clip coupons (gag) but now we can buy healthy rather than filling!

Budget Question

Yesterday I received a question about the budget cut:

"budget question: do you HAVE to pay the verizon bill in full? do you always pay your bills in full or do you ever suggest stealing from peter to pay paul?"  -ash  

It's a very good question.  This is best answered in two parts. 

1. The Mr. and I believe that not paying in full is only delaying your problem, not answering it.  Making payments for your payments is only causing you to never have any extra money.  If you can't afford to buy it in full, don't buy it.  Obviously cell phone bills are monthly service bills, not things you can pay for in full, but your payments should always be paid for in full.  The last thing you want to do is be drowning in payments for payments that you can't afford when an emergency strikes.  We're basically sitting on land mines, at any moment our nearly 10-year-old cars are going to bust something, not to mention an adventurous toddler and two animals that don't always know what is good for them.  With so many variables out there, we like to know we're not racking up extra payments on top of our fixed payments. This is not to say that we have never done this, it's why we believe so strongly against it.  Too many times we have found ourselves struck with an unintended bill and had to find out how to pay for it on top of our current bills.  It is such a situation of despair that I do not wish upon anyone.

2. There are exceptions.  The " If you can't afford to buy it in full, don't buy it." attitude only extends to those things you actually consciously sit down and agree you can afford (cell phones, cars, furniture, cable, etc.).  The bills that I believe are exceptions are the unintended bills, the emergencies.  Since these emergencies are going to need to be paid for on top of your normal monthly bills, making a payment plan would be ideal if you cannot afford to pay in full at that time.  For example, recently Zoe was sick and we were stuck with a $250 vet bill.  Obviously we do not have $250 extra this month to pay for that.  So we begged and pleaded and finally got the Vet to agree to a payment plan.  It was humiliating and aggravating, but necessary.  Another example would be car maintenance, most of these are unintended, so if you can get the service and make payments, that would be better.  In our opinion, these are the only exceptions to paying in full.  We agree that it would still be best to pay in full, but if you simply cannot, then making payments would be better than starving. 

Hopefully this answers your questions, ash!  Thanks for playing along.  :)

**Notice: I cannot answer what I think is best for everyone, only what The Mr. and I believe is best.  

Budget Cuts

Alright troops, we have a big one.  Apparently our Verizon payment went up by $35 this month due to changing our cell phone numbers ($15 a piece!).  That was not factored into our expenses, which is my fault. 

Lesson #1: Always, always, always keep track of everything you WILL spend or ARE spending.  You don't want surprises when you're on a budget.

So, what does this mean?  This means that $35 dollars will need to be subtracted from our $152.32, leaving us $117.32.  Now lets go back to the three categories that we have to spend money on: groceries, household, and gas.  As I stated in the last post, my car is on empty and The Mr. just let me know his isn't far behind, so we will have to buy gas on Friday.  That will be $80 roughly.  That leaves $37 for groceries and any household necessities.  Aw crap, this means coupons.  I hate coupons! 

Now I'll be really put to the test.  Can I truly buy two-weeks worth of groceries for $37??  Marc once lived off of nothing but rice and herbs for three months, I can do this.

I will keep you posted...
 

Monkey Joe's

Report: $2.68 Monkey Joe's

Today I took The Mini Me for a playdate at Monkey Joe's, an inflatable play center for kids.  This is where I find it the hardest to not spend money.  I have a very small apartment and everyday sometimes I need to get out with Rosslyn before going mad.  The problem is that it's very hot and I really don't want to add heat to my already dwindling patience.  So I look for places to go and things to do inside, but each of these things cost money.  Not to mention, they are usually on the other side of town so we have to consider the gas.  So, do I spend money and keep us both sane and happy or save money and risk high tension?

So I agreed to come to a playdate at Monkey Joe's and the good news is that they were having a BOGO deal.  So there was another Momma there who had a kid 2 and under so she and I got the BOGO deal - hence $2.68.  Not bad.

As I'm driving home, I notice that my gas light is on.  Wonderful.  I don't get paid until Friday, so I can't purchase gas until then.  The frustration of it all comes back in waves.  Rosslyn is singing songs in the back and I am, once again, wondering how I got in this position.  This sad and pathetic position.  I start getting angry about the character building and strength that supposedly accompanies such situations.  What benefit could I possibly gain from constantly stretching every penny?  How could this ever come back to help me in the future?  Oh, when the Apocalypse comes and we no longer have money in our banks, we need to know how to live off of nothing, right?  That's what literature and Hollywood say.  I think they make those stories up to give us a silver lining that doesn't exist. 

$155 - $2.68 = $152.32

Anthology

If there is anything that could make me say screw my budget and eat rice noodles, it's this magazine. 

Brand-spanking new and featuring a lot of my current design idols, this is a dream.  But an expensive dream at $12 an issue.  I WILL work this in, look for my shameful report of it when I do.  Ros needs to eat you say? Well it's good she likes noodles...

$155

"Temporary is my time, ain't nothin in this world that's mine, except the will I have to carry on." -The Avett Bros.

Hasn't even been 24 hours and The Mr. is spending money.  $3 on parking in Tybee to take The Mini Me to the beach.  According to what we have already spent this month, we have only $155 left in our budget to spend on our three categories.  That's not a lot considering we need to eat and have gas in our cars.  I'll report everything I purchase here until October 1st.  If I come in below $155, I'll....well I guess I won't buy myself a gift.  Maybe I'll make the Angel Food cake I've been dying to make. Yum!  That's enough motivation for me.

The Budget Challenge

Recently the BFF, Ms. Grace, urged me to begin writing again.  Somehow she thinks what I have to say would be interesting.  I feel the opposite, so be warned. 

The Backstory: When I was young, I didn't have much experience with budgeting.  My parents took care of everything and we very rarely touched money.  We weren't given allowance like other kids because my parents probably didn't have a steady supply of it like other parents.  If we needed something, they would get it, most of the time.  One day, about one month post high school graduation, I answered the telephone rather sleepily and somehow managed to receive a $200 credit card in the mail.  That was maxed out before you could say Shenanigans.  I was so awful with money and had no idea what credit even was.  This remained the same through most of my young adult life with my poor parents bailing me out of one situation or another.  One day in 2003, I meet The Mr.  We worked together and talked often.  He was moving to Reno to finish school (in Finance, no less) and I decided to go with him.  This took a budget, though.  So I taught myself how, so as not to look foolish in front of him.  I found it was rather easy for me.  See, I'm a lover of lists and spreadsheets.  I could spreadsheet your entire life in a day.  So I created a spreadsheet.  I calculated how much we would need to move and live until jobs were found.  With that total in mind, I created a budget.  That method has been my preferred method of budgeting since.  It has gotten us to England, Scotland, and Ireland on vacation.  It has taken us from Reno back to Florida for our wedding and then up to Maine to settle down.  It has gotten us through our first child (The Mini Me) and winters in Maine (they're very expensive).  It has gotten The Mr. back to Reno for school and me to California to wait for him, both without having to work.  And, eventually, brought us to Savannah for The Mr.'s first job as a Financial Adviser.  It has been so popular with us that somehow I, rather than The Mr., take care of our finances.  Now, because of my awful history with money prior to The Mr. we've been spending a lot of money paying off debts; not to mention every possible catastrophe that the world could think up to throw at us.  We have never had nice things.  We have bought almost everything second-hand.  We have never owned a home.  We have only had older cars that we have to fix constantly.  We have struggled our entire life together.  Our budget forces us to.  I have always budgeted with a destination in mind.  First, Reno, then the UK, then home/marriage/Ireland/Maine, etc.  So we have always done without to make sure we got to where we were going. 


The Now Story: The Mr., The Mini Me, and I recently moved to Savannah for The Mr.'s job.  With grand illusions of a home, a garden, and new cars, we mapped out our future based on our new location and have set up a budget to get us there.  Unfortunately, our budget is faltering.  We have been behind almost every month in bills.  Our current monthly income is only a smidgen above our monthly expenses.  So we basically have a very tight budget.  Luxuries such as travel, clothes, appliances, and most importantly saving for our grand illusions, are almost out of the question.  This means that for the first time, we are not budgeting with a destination in mind.  We are just trying to make enough to pay our bills.  One day I would love to own my own home with nice furniture, not the same JC Penney couch The Mr. and I bought before we were married in Reno.  Maybe even have some nice decor, DIY or not.  Alas, that day is far off.  Our goal is to finally start making more than what we owe so that we can start saving for these items.  Items that everyone around me seems to have in abundance.  It's very frustrating.
 

So now that you have my entire financial story, here's the point:  I am going to keep a record here on this blog of every purchase that I make outside of my budget allowances.  The only three areas where I have control over what I spend are groceries, household items, and gas.  The rest of our money goes to bills.  If I have to report it, I will be less likely to make the purchase.  So if I buy The Mini Me some clothes, I have to report it.  If I have to pay another $90 to fix my sewing machine, I have to report it.  If I go over my grocery or household budget, I'll report it.  Do you guys care?  Maybe not.  Will anyone even read it?  Probably not.  But will I do it anyway? Yes'm. 

Groceries: $300
Household items: $100
Gas: $120


Of course the boring financial reports will be intersperse between posts of other thoughts, which I don't believe are boring at all. 

Even Two Years Later, She's Moving People

My Bestie, Ms. Grace, shared something that was really special to her recently. She told me about a blog that really effected her. I was, quite frankly, suspicious that it would be just another boring Mormon blog (sorry, boring Mormon blogs) but, in fact, moved something even in my cold, dead heart.

I'm sure most of you have already been introduced to Stephanie Nielson and her amazingness, but I had not heard her story. Now, thanks to Ms. Grace, I've been able to try and better myself to honor Ms. Nie. If you have not heard Nie Nie's story. PLEASE go to her blog, The NieNie Dialogues and start from the beginning, like I did. Or okay, maybe just start from 2006. I promise you, it will be worth it.

We love you, Nie!

**And for an absolutely hilarious view of life in general, check out her sister, Courtney's, blog C Jane Enjoy It. It's my new favorite!

Step by step, we make our way...

I thought the title of my blog would be a great place to start for my post today. Obviously these words mean everything to me. They ARE me.

My life seems to snake its way through the world without necessarily moving forward. Fortunately, I believe that the people in my family were somehow born with the ability to acclimate quickly to any given situation. It has been both an advantage and a disadvantage at times. For instance, this "ability" has helped me to remain calm in some of my most traumatizing moments.

However, my mind has a trick up its sleeve. As with everything, there has to be a balance. Every advantage has a disadvantage and every evil has a saving grace.

The reason I believe I am able to adjust so easily is because I have no memories to hold me back. My mind steals my memories and puts them into a locked box somewhere else in my head that I cannot access.

It has helped me in so many ways by giving me the courage to move forward with some of life's scariest situations. Mostly, though, it steals so much of ME that I don't really know who ME is anymore. Not that I ever did, I don't remember. I thought I was pretty certain I knew exactly what I believed in when I was younger, but who knows where or when that ended. I couldn't tell you how I got here, and I probably won't remember "here" in three months.

It's a running joke between my husband and I and thankfully hasn't in any way hurt my relationship with him or my daughter. I don't know how long I can keep that up, though. Will there be a day that I don't remember my first date with him? Or the day I brought my daughter home from the hospital. Actually, I don't remember that day, only the day she was born. See, I'm already losing her.

Occasionally I'll fight against it by writing my most precious memories down into a journal, but I am not nearly as good at remembering to do it as I should be. Also, then, its only a journal entry, not a memory. When I go back to reread my journals, they don't spark a memory, just an interesting read. Instead, I hoard; it's my only weapon against the memory thief. I'm afraid I'll be one of those hoarders you see on television with a house full of randomness to fight against losing a memory. Hopefully the husband won't let that happen.

So that's it. That's what I wanted to say. I'm writing this blog, and posting pictures to remember ME. Hopefully my writing resonates with someone else and I won't just be writing this for me, but if not, me is good enough.